Does anyone else have really low self esteem? How do you deal with it? I've never been in a relationship, most people who find out always tell me they're really surprised but say that it doesn't seem like it bothers me at all which is how I try to come across. But the root of it is is that the past few years I've felt like I don't really deserve to be in relationship, that i'm not pretty enough, i'm too shy, i'm too boring, etc. Sometimes when i do or say things and catch myself its like "gosh i can't believe I just acted like that/said that/thought that" and what ends of happening is that at that moment I hate myself so much that I actually find relief in the fact that I'm not dating anyone cause I don't deserve anyone/don't want anyone to see me that way or don't want to subject someone to feeling regretful for dating me. In college, I was out on my own and really didn't have to worry about anyone other than myself because everything was detached from me. But the truth is is that all my life and now that i've moved back home, I've always had to worry about my parents and I take on so much of the responsibility of keeping my household together (emotionally/financially) that I make sacrifices such as moving back out, staying home on weekends, never taking long trips away. As a result i've missed out on activities/life experiences that other people my age have had. KNowing this about myself it makes me even more feel undeserving of anyone because I feel like I'd have nothing to offer.

I know a large aspect of being in a relationship is bearing each others' burdens, but I've always been glad that no body else but I have to deal with these things nor would I want anyone else to share in or to bear my burdens. The longer i'm single the more i'm convinced that I deserve to be single. There have been guys that have been interested, but never anyone I've been interested in. and I'd rather not date than to just grab onto anyone. I never had these feelings until college. Sometimes I walk into a room and I feel like the plainest/ugliest girl in the entire room. I pass by a mirror and my heart will feel like it dropped two or three rib cages. I love shopping but sometimes when I'm shopping I'll think to myself "what does it matter, you don't go out anyway" or "why should i even bothering buying cute clothes, its just me". Or sometimes when I'm talking to someone I find attractive, I always chastize myself in my mind thinking "girl, what are you doing, what are you trying to gain from this. remember who you are, don't waste your time"

Of course non of my friends would ever know I think ANY of these things and i don't say anything because I know what I feel when i'm around someone with low self esteem: pity, and I don't want that from other people. What makes me feel especially worse is when women at work are always like "you like that too, so does my son! you should go with him" or "you're so cute you should date my son, oh wait he's 4" or "here's my family picture, who do you like?". Its funny at first but the more they say things like that the more it makes me sad because I was think "if you only knew how not great I am".sorry if this has been an annoying read, I just wanted some place to vent.